818 days ago, my life as I knew it changed forever without warning. My husband left this world in an instant right before my eyes. I had no time to prepare and I was thrown into a life that I had neither ever imagined or wanted. Now you may be thinking, how negative to be counting the days, but stick around because I am going somewhere with the counting. For 818 days, I have been a widow and a Momma alone with two babies to provide for and raise. For 818 days, I have not only walked my own journey of grief and pain, but I have carried two innocent babies through every day life and watched them grow up without their father physically present. Every day I have gotten up and fought for them and fought for me. For 818 days I have never given up on God or lost my faith. For 818 days, I have chosen to trust God even when I did not have the answers.

I was recently reminded of the children of Israel in the Bible and how they were traveling in the desert for 40 years after departing Exodus to eventually reach Canaan. During that time, manna was an edible, supernatural substance that was given to them for the basic need of survival. According to the Talmud, manna was found near the homes of those who strongly believed in God and far from the homes of those who doubted. Each day, the manna had to be gathered. It was not something that could be saved up. During my 818 day journey, I have daily gathered "manna", strength from God because if I tried to look beyond that day, it seemed to swallow me. My frequent conversations with God were very candid. God, my babies are growing up without their father. God, I am tired. God, it hurts. God, I have to work, take care of our home, take care of my babies. God, I have to put my grief aside to push through. God, if you do not help me, I cannot make it today. I would get enough strength from God to make it through the day, but the next day I had to pray for it all over again. I cannot tell you how many times I woke up in the morning with my heart racing, trying to figure out if this really happened and quietly wept and prayed for God to give me strength to make it out of bed. I knew He did it the day before, so I believed He could do it again. I am so thankful that I so strongly believe in God because that abundance of "manna" (peace, strength and sustenance) has been ever present in my life. I give God all the glory for the daily miracles. Does it make God any less Almighty or Powerful that He chose the day to day miracle for the children of Israel or for me? Absolutely not. He's not just given me a "once in a lifetime" miracle. He has given me 818 sustaining miracles. 818. I am really floored when I think about it. An unworthy wretched sinner who has failed God more times than I could count, but I am so loved by an Almighty God that He sees fit to continue His miracles of sustenance for ME. My needs have been met. My babies' needs have been met. DAILY. Yes, we miss Danny terribly and our loss is extremely painful even now, but we still can have joy, peace and purpose. Trusting God gives you peace that passes our human understanding.

Let me be transparent. Several months ago, I felt extremely frustrated that I seemed to be ONLY making it day by day. I think that is why this revelation of 818 miracles meant so much to me. I could not see the big picture of why we lost Danny and what God's purpose was in allowing me and my babies to walk through this. I asked God over and over again. I believed my testimony would come forth and I embraced the calling God had but I wanted the details now. Let me read the back of the book. I found myself so overwhelmed that I did not seem to know more two years later. I had been in this holding pattern of grief longer than I cared to be and apparently felt it was my place to determine that I was ready for the next step. However, I humbly accept the reminder that if all God chooses to do is keep me one day at a time, that is more than He has to do and it is what I need right now. I'm grateful for each day. Years from now, I want people to say Jenn never gave up her faith in God no matter what.

There is also the widow at Zarephath. She gave the last of her oil and flour to make the prophet Elijah a small cake during a terrible famine. It was all she had and a tremendous sacrifice. There she was, a widow with a child, during this horrible drought. She had already accepted that she was going to use the last of the oil and flour she had before she and her child laid down to die. The Lord spoke through Elijah and said that her flour and oil would not run out until the day the Lord again sent rain to the land. Every day she had enough oil and flour to make it until the next day. Her sustenance did not run out. We do not even know her actual name, but the Lord loved her and her obedience so much that He provided over and over again. (By the way, we may not know her name, but rest assured God certainly knew her name just as He knows mine and yours!) Life as a widow frequently brings more cares than you feel like you can cope with (even this far out, there are new issues related to widowhood that I have to deal with often, pretty much daily). BUT GOD shows up and marks her as the servant that He will use to sustain the man of God, Elijah, and in turn sustains her and her child as well. For three and a half years. I can only imagine when that rain finally began to fall and the rejoicing when the power of the supernatural flows from sustenance to abundance.

You may feel weighted down and discouraged. You may say I'm just barely making it day by day. Maybe this will give you a new perspective. Lift your head up and thank God. Making it day by day is so much more than we make it out to be. ”Just today” is enough. I pray that God will continue to give you and me the sustaining miracles that we need as He guides us to the place where once again the abundant rain falls down.

Humble and Grateful,

A Worshiping Widow

*Disclaimer - I actually wrote this last week so my days of miracles are now 824 💙🙏