Chaos to Clean

As I cleaned my house this morning, recovering from the weekend pile-ups, I thought back to the day Danny died. As humiliating as it is to admit, my house was a complete disaster that day, all except the kitchen sink. Danny washed the dishes a few hours before he collapsed; I remember standing there talking to him the whole time he washed them. Normally, I would have gone about my day on conference calls/working, but that day I stayed there the whole time. He liked the dishes done a certain way by hand and since my way was never good enough, for almost 7 years he had been the official dishwasher. But beyond that kitchen sink were toys for days, mail piles I couldn’t seem to get through, laundry I needed to put away…you get the picture.

I was a corporate working mother with a 4 year old and a 9 month old at home. Before I had Joella, I had traveled every week for work for almost 12 years, living in and out of a suitcase with a few home office days here and there. Every other weekend, we were traveling back and forth to Savannah so that we could have time with my bonus daughter. Our downstairs had flooded a couple months before and we had just finally got all the work completed. Mix it all together and my life had more clutter and chaos than I cared to admit. I remember for a split second that day thinking, “Oh my word, I can’t let anybody see this mess.” I vaguely remember even apologizing to the paramedics and police officers who were here that day.

It took me two days to come back in the house after that first night. The disarray was paralyzing mixed in with the shock and grief that was unfolding. I was so embarrassed although it was really the least of my worries at the time. However, I had to get at least enough order in the house to open my home up to all the friends and family that were wanting to come see us. As a handful of people (my neighbor, her daughter, my mom, my stepmom, my Pastor’s wife and a friend from church) I love dearly stepped in to help me that day, I vowed that I would never again allow my house to become so chaotic. By the way, if you don’t have a Pastor’s wife that would not hesitate to scrub your toilet no more than she would hesitate to help walk you out of a funeral home when you can barely walk yourself out, you might want to get you another one (I have the best!).

The truth is our lives get super messy and chaotic, both literally and spiritually. Have you thought about what if everything changed in a split second – how would you want your life to be represented? For the most part, we don’t have a say in how death comes to us. The prophet Isaiah isn’t coming to us like he did when the Lord sent him to tell Hezekiah to get his affairs in order because he was about to die (Isaiah 38). With our family, there was literally no warning when Danny died. And even though our house was a chaotic mess that day, I’m so very thankful that Danny was spiritually ready. Luke 12:35-37 (MSG) says, “Stay dressed for action and keep your lamps burning, and be like men who are waiting for their master to come home from the wedding feast, so that they may open the door to him at once when he comes and knocks. Blessed are those servants whom the master finds awake when he comes.”

Just as I’ve purposed to never again have my home in chaos like it was that day, I also purpose to eliminate chaos spiritually. It's a daily mindset. We must decide and stick to the continuous process. Just like we can’t clean the house one time and be done forever, we must continuously purge ourselves spiritually from all the junk that tries to separate us from God. We need to spiritually scrub the toilets, pick up the toys, get rid of the clutter, sweep the floors, etc. You can’t pray once. You can’t read your Bible once. You can’t just show up to church every now and then. I might fail. Scratch that, I will fail. I'm human. My life might get cluttered and messy, but I get in the Word, I get on my knees and I ask God to help me restore the order that needs to be there. Even in my moments of mess, I still go to the House of God and pour myself out to Him. He is the Rock I run to. There is NO other option. Sometimes I want to just scream at the devil and say haven’t you learned yet??? I’m not giving up. I’m not quitting. God, I never want to go back to the place I was spiritually almost 7 years ago when Danny and I walked into Truth Chapel for the first time. You’ve done too much for me, God. You’ve kept me when I felt like the disarray and the chaos was too much. God, I don’t know when You will decide it’s my time, but I want to be ready. I’m on a mission to do whatever it takes and praying the hardest prayer to pray, “not my will, but Thine be done”. Stay alert and be ready. Put on the full armor of God’s Word so that we will still be standing firm after the battles of life. Matthew 24:42 (KJV) – “Watch therefore: for ye know not what hour your Lord doth come.” Maybe you are finding yourself in a place of messiness and just overwhelmed with the chaos of life, but if you’re reading this today, it’s not too late to make a choice to start getting it together. You’re still here!! You don’t have to be embarrassed; there are people who love you and want to walk with you as you clean up the chaos. Most of all, the Lord loves you and I so much and He wants to hear from us even in the middle of all our mess. I want Heaven more than anything and I pray you will too. Let’s purpose to be ready and clean up the chaos!

A Worshiping Widow