The Birth of A Worshiping Widow

I wanted to share with you all how the vision of “a worshiping widow” came into existence. When my husband died, I was desperate to connect with anyone who could relate to what I was going through with this unexpected tragedy. We were in a covenant until death do us part, but for us death came all too soon. I felt alone in my circle of people, suddenly no longer a wife, no longer a couple, no longer “Danny and Jenn”. My identity changed in a moment to a widow, a word I could hardly speak out loud.

As I began to search various social media support groups and websites to gather some perspective on navigating the loss of a spouse as a younger person with small children, I viewed hundreds upon hundreds of posts within these social media support groups and blogs. There were widows posting about getting drunk every day. There were widows who were abusing both prescription medication (please note, this is in no way reflected to those who take medication as prescribed by a physician to deal with things like depression/anxiety/PTSD and other issues that result from tragedy/loss) and illicit drugs. There were widows who were out trying to hook up with whoever, plummeting into promiscuity. There were widows struggling with wanting to end their lives. There were widows who were cursing God, hating God and even doubting His very existence. All of it, human attempts to fill the emptiness and numb the pain of a death you had no say in and a life you did not want. At one point, I joined a very popular social media group for young widows, but after several days, I felt so convicted by the Holy Spirit regarding the content that I disconnected from the group and never looked back. I did not want to be influenced in a negative, ungodly way in dealing with my new life. I knew those things were not options for me. For the better part of my twenties, even though I believed, I let God go as a priority. When I came back, some years prior to losing my husband, I already made up in my mind it was for good – no matter what. Our testimony of restoration is another post for another day, but a critical piece to how God was forming the framework that would support me through the unknown I was facing. I needed God now more than ever before. I remember telling God very early on that if nothing else, if nothing else came from Danny’s death, I wanted my babies to grow up knowing their Momma never gave up on God and that I never gave up my faith even in the worst time of my life. If I did not hold on, what would the chances be of my children surviving spiritually? I digress – back to the birth of a worshiping widow….

I wanted to know that there widows out there who still believed in God even in the most excruciating circumstances. I wanted to know there were others who grieved with hope that one day we would all be together again. I wanted to know there were widows out there who could still lift their hands and worship God in the middle of suffering. I did not want to be angry with God. I did not want to be bitter. I did not want to turn away from God. I wanted to know that there were widows who still walked in truth. I prayed and prayed and prayed again, “God, protect me from anger. Protect me from bitterness. Protect my babies from anger and bitterness. God, help us love you always no matter what.” I remember so many people saying, “Jenn, you are going to get mad. You will be angry. You have to go through all the stages of grief.” BUT THAT’S NOT WHAT I WANTED. I rejected what society said were requirements for grief. I did not want to be mad or angry. Please know by no means am I judging anyone who has had anger during their journey; I realize everyone’s journey is different. I am simply stating that I do not believe anger toward God has to be part of it. Does my heart hurt that my kids are growing up without their dad? Absolutely. Does my heart hurt that the dreams and plans we had together will not be part of my future? Definitely. Do I miss my husband? Every day. I have questioned God and asked Him why. I have also prayed and asked for peace regarding the answers I do not have. But I can truly say I have not been mad at God. I am making a conscious choice to not give place for anger and bitterness to intensify what I am already dealing with.

I have been a worshiper for as long as I can remember, even as a little girl. There is nothing I love more than worshiping and praising God. That spirit is rooted deep in my being. My husband and I were very involved with our church, particularly with music ministry. That was a passion we shared. He played drums, led worship at Wednesday night Bible studies and helped with Spanish services, VBS, etc. I was (and still am) on the praise team and helped with music for Spanish services and other special events. We spent many hours listening to songs over and over as we would prepare for services. If you knew Danny, you know that he would make sure every song was done with excellence and he strived for perfection in music. The Sunday before he died (on a Wednesday) was Mother’s Day. We were on schedule that Sunday, so we had been at two services worshiping with the praise team. Right after he died, I remember telling my Pastor’s wife and Minister of Music, that I wanted to sing that Sunday. The desire I had to worship God weighed heavy on me. I was physically and emotionally weak, but all I wanted was to worship God. At that time, I was suffering frequent extreme physiological symptoms from the shock of losing Danny. My resting heart rate ran super high. I would wake up barely able to catch my breath. I would wake up vomiting from the anxiety and stress. It seemed to hit me the worst on Sunday mornings, maybe because that was a ministry we did together. The truth is Sunday mornings that I am on schedule for praise team is still usually when I fight the hardest physiologically, mentally and spiritually. After that first service when I was back with the praise team, several people commented that they did not know how I could do it. It wasn’t me; it was God strengthening me. I knew I had to worship and praise God even in the worst. If I did not, I would die. I do not worship and praise God for all the great things in my life. I worship and praise Him for WHO HE IS regardless of my circumstance. Psalms 150:6 says, “Let everything that has breath praise the Lord!”. As my Pastor has said, “Nobody is exempt from praising the Lord.” I am not exempt from worshiping God because my husband died. I am not exempt from worshiping God because every dynamic of my life has changed drastically. I am not exempt from worshiping God because I now have the weight of being an only parent. I am not exempt from worshiping God because my will was not His will. You are not exempt from worshiping God because something terrible has happened in your life. I began to feel the idea of “a worshiping widow” very early on in my journey as I would push through the physiological symptoms to show up to church and give everything I had to worship God. I did not feel “qualified”, but I knew at some point somehow I wanted to pursue sharing my life as a worshiping widow. I was waiting to reach some undefined point of qualification; however, God does not always call the qualified, but He equips those He calls, and I truly feel like that “a worshiping widow” is part of my purpose that God has planned.

Several months ago, this website was created and gifted to me by someone very dear to me who was one of only a few people who knew about my desire to share as “a worshiping widow”. Even though I had that push and encouragement, I did not write a single thing. Every time I tried, I froze. I finally had it, but I could not feel the freedom to publish even though I had been writing privately for so long. The door was there, but I could not walk through yet. Maybe it was me. Maybe it just was not God’s time yet. On August 11, 2019, a very trusted minister and Godly voice in my life, visited and ministered in our church. He knew absolutely nothing of the vision God had given me for a worshiping widow or the writings I held privately, but as I stood weeping at the altar during prayer, he came to me and asked if I had a diary. As the Holy Spirit allowed him to speak over my life, he said that he saw a diary and that while God was still healing me, my testimony was for more than just my church. It was even beyond religious circles. I went home with my head spinning. Back to my candid conversations with God. Ok, God. Here I am, but is this what You want? God, are you telling me it’s time? God, what will people think? God, it still hasn’t been that long. God, I don’t know if anybody will even read it. God, if I had to go through this, at least use it to help someone. For over a week, it’s all I could think about and then a few days ago, I felt the OK from God. It was time. I don’t know where You are going with this God or where You are taking me, but I will step into what I feel You are calling me to do. God, I will worship You on my best days and on my worst days. God, I will praise You because You hold my whole world in Your hands. Your ways are perfect even when I don’t understand.

I read the book of Job many times. He is one of my heroes. I have so much to say about studying the book of Job since I lost my husband, but for today I leave with you with this. I love Job 11:13-20 in the MSG version:

“If you prepare your heart, you with stretch out your hands toward him. If iniquity is in your hand, put it far away, and let not injustice dwell in your tents. Surely then you will lift up your face without blemish; you will be secure and will not fear. You will forget your misery; you will remember it as waters that have passed away. And your life will be brighter than the noonday; its darkness will be like the morning and you will feel secure, because there is hope; you will look around and take your rest in security. You will lie down, and none will make you afraid; many will court your favor. But the eyes of the wicked will fail; all way of escape will be lost to them, and their hope is to breathe their last.”

And I love Job 8:5-7 (MSG) which says: “If you will seek God and plead with the Almighty for mercy, if you are pure and upright, surely then he will rouse himself for you and restore your rightful habitation. And though your beginning was small, your latter days will be very great.”

I’m not perfect. I have faults, failures and struggles. In myself, I’m no stronger than any other person faced with tragedy. But I’m equipped with the Word of God, with His promises that are true. I'm equipped with faith and hope. God, even though I lost Danny, I will do my best to follow Your Word. I still love you, God. I will worship You and say even though You slay me, still I trust You. Thank You God for the healing that You are continuing in my mind, body and spirit. Thank You for the restoration and strength that is still to come. Thank you for holding me up in my weakness. Thank You for hope. Thank You for rest. Thank You for security in You. You give and take away, but still I will praise You. I know that You can do all things and no purpose of Yours can be thwarted, God. For as long as there is breath in me, I will worship You.

Forever grateful for Who He Is,

A Worshiping Widow